Cancer

Posted byKindra M. AustinPosted inWriting

 

Tonight, my girl shared with me some devastating news. Her grandma, my former mother-in-law, who is being treated for breast cancer, has learned that six out of ten lymph nodes biopsied are positive for cancer.

I have listened to my daughter struggle with pain so many times in her twenty years of life, but nothing compares to the pain she is feeling tonight. And I am a wreck. Nicole loves her grandma more than the air in her lungs; they have a tremendously close relationship. How do I help my girl through this??? I am totally at a loss…

I know I shouldn’t shield Nicole from my own emotions, and I won’t. Nicole knows how much her grandma means to me. Her grandma has been a better mother to me than my own, even after I divorced Nicole’s dad. So, no–I won’t mask my feelings.

I love this woman. And I am afraid. I’m afraid for what the worst outcome will mean to me, but more than that, I am afraid for Nicole. I cannot stress enough how much Nicole and her grandma mean to each other.

I’m feeling so fucking lost right now, trying to figure out how I will comfort my daughter if the worst case scenario–a scenario I can’t bear to put into words, verbal or written–rains down heavy on our hearts. Yes, there is more treatment to be explored. But the worry…

until the end I fear is coming.

I would appreciate if none of you share this post via Facebook, or elsewhere.

I just needed an outlet tonight, like I’ve never needed before. And I have never felt so inadequate as a parent. I worry for the mental health of my girl, as she suffers from Depression and Generalized Anxiety Disorder.

If anyone has anything helpful to comment, please do. Like I said, I’m at a fucking loss…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Published by Kindra M. Austin

Author of fiction, poetry, and very sweary social commentary. Editor, and co-founder of Indie Blu(e) Publishing. Co-founder of Blood Into Ink, and Heretics, Lovers, and Madmen.

64 thoughts on “Cancer”

  1. I can not tell you how sorry i am. I am touched by your story. I also lost my foster mother to cancer and i have still not forgotten. At any chance i get i try to put out or share the little i know about how we can help prevent cancer.

    Here is are some ways women can can prevent breast cancer http://bit.ly/PreventBreastCancerNow.

    And Kindra I want you to remember that God is always with you.

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  2. Didn’t know you were on a second marriage; loving across these chasms can be hard, and confusing. Easier when it’s your daughter. Probably just being together quietly is a good idea. Sorry to hear this news. Good strength!

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  8. My best advice I’m going to give to you and your daughter.

    Be there for her, if she needs to cry let her cry and don’t ever tell your daughter to stop she can’t hold anything like this in. Speaking from experience. It’s difficult I know I’ve been there and understand the pain she is experiencing and I understand the closeness of family…

    Sorry….

    I’m sorry…I can’t write more…

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  9. Bottle of wine photos reminisce about good memories laugh at funny and fond memories cry together hold each other, hug each other. Help each other through it. Don’t try to be strong if you don’t feel strong. ❤(hope I have not said a wrong thing, it is meant with sincererity)

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  10. I’m so sorry to hear this sad news. I’m not sure there is any perfect answer as to how to deal with something so painful. You are already doing the best thing you can by showing your girl your real emotions and being with her, physically and emotionally. My ex-husband and father of my children died a few years ago, so I understand the extreme pain of not only losing someone, but seeing our kids hurting so badly. I think the thing I learned is how important it is for them to be able to express their grief in healthy ways. My daughter was living a few hours away from us when it happened, so I wasn’t able to watch her, and see how she was managing, and she wasn’t… she was trying to suppress her feelings and it didn’t have a good outcome. So I guess what I’m saying is, be sure she knows it’s okay to feel however she is feeling, and process and express emotions. I know this seems obvious, but be sure she knows that it’s going to hurt, and that she has to let it hurt, she can’t run or hide from the pain, hoping it will just go away (this is what I wish I had done better with my daughter). I’m so sorry love. I wish I could give you a big hug. I love you ❤

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  11. Kindra, I am so sorry for what life has thrown on your laps. Having had far too many people in my life taken by this disease or any disease for that matter I will say that I do understand what you are going through.
    My advice to you is documentation, write about your days with your daughter and her grandmother. Encourage her to do so as well. Write poems, stories, draw pictures, create paintings and take photos, take a million photos of your daughter with her grandmother. take short videos. fill your vault with her memories. She will understand what you are doing for her and your daughter. Include yourself in this. Will the end come? more then likely yes if not now it will come. I did this with my husband. For three years I journaled photographed drew sculpted and after he passed away I painted. Its been 5 years october 2nd and I can’t tell you how often these photos and videos got me through some sad dark nights.
    my best to you, You are on the right path asking for help. ❤

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  12. I’m so sorry. I know this sounds lame but give your girl comfort food, comfort movies, positive music, candles. When death and illness is at the door, feeling supported is so important. Love to you and yours, and I am so sorry for this bad news =(

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  13. Oh Kindra, my heart goes out to you and your dear daughter and her grandmother. As I read this, I kept thinking about your strength. You have already survived so much, and undoubtedly instilled in your daughter that same warrior sense of survival. As frightening and painful as this is, you will both survive again. And we are here for the journey with you.
    Deep deep breaths. Perhaps a walk in the woods or a sit by a body of water is in order.

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    1. You truly touch my heart. Thank you, my friend. ❤ I’ve been meditating. Tomorrow, Nicole and I are going to see her grandma. Actually, Nicole is spending the night with her tonight. ❤

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  15. I’m so sad to read this. The relationship between them has been evident to me, from photos, by Nicole’s posts, from yours too. I can’t imagine how you’re all feeling…except, I can, a little. Someone once told me, when I was sharing similar news, not to grieve prematurely, to make every second left with that person count. I re-read what I’d written and realised she was right. Now I try to stay positive about any shit diagnosis, especially if the person who’s living with it is fighting it with all their might. How is SHE dealing with it, Kindra? Is she talking about it, how she’s feeling? When we were told about my pal’s incurable cancer, I told Carol that I couldn’t stop thinking about how scared she must be – I couldn’t imagine – and she told me that she’d said that she wasn’t scared, she just wasn’t ready. She’d been given 3 weeks and she lived for 14 months. I’m convinced that her positivity was what kept her alive.
    I love what Eric wrote. I agree with everything there. Your relationship with Nicole is already an open and honest one, so you know that you will be able to talk about everything that comes in the future.
    I love you and Nicole, so much. ❤

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  16. Oh god. No words, sister ❤️ Well, maybe a few. First, I’m so so sorry to hear about this. I’m sending you all positive thoughts, for the best outcome possible. Second, I can relate; I’m no stranger to breast cancer; one of my best friends had it twice. And another best friend’s mom had it. It’s so common and yet, so frightening, every time it happens. Third, as Eric said above, fuck cancer. It sucks, a modern-day evil. Last but not least, still sending loving thoughts. Stay strong. We’ve got your back ❤️❤️

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  17. Kindra, I’m so sorry to hear about this news. My husband, mom, mother-in-law, and sister-in-law have all battled cancer. What got us through is prayer and love and simply being there, treating them as normally as possible. Sending prayers and healing thoughts to all of you tonight.

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  18. I have to say I am no expert in these matters except for what experiences I’ve had while working as a CNA in a cancer hospital. I have seen a lot over the past five years and can empathize with being at a loss for what to do. But I think you are already on the right track by giving voice to your feelings. Having been at the bedside of countless grieving patients and family members I have seen too many quashed emotions, too much hiding, and silence. You do more for your daughter and yourself by speaking up.
    As for mental health, in general, I am a huge advocate for therapy and counseling. Again you need to have a safe space to voice how you are feeling. Why not do that in a place where there is no judgment? Why not be in a place where you can say what you need to without having people try and stop you? And then have someone there who is willing to help you through this, not because they’re trying to do it for themselves, but for you. (If you have a good counselor or therapist the fact that you’re paying them is a great thing.)
    I realize you and I have never met face to face, but I want to let you know, from someone who has been a companion to one torn by trauma and lifelong grief, now is the time to speak, to think, to feel, and to share the sorrow. My heart goes out to you and your daughter as one who has been there in the trenches, fighting alongside those who battle cancer to the very end. You have a strong, powerful, and sincere voice, do not silence it now when your daughter needs it the most.
    Sorry, I’ll step off my soapbox now.

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  19. I’m so very sorry at this news. The only consolation I can offer is that time passes. Whether we spend that time in fear, anxietry, or in mourning, we keep moving. We keep going until nothing is left. Your girl’s grandmother will do it, as will you and your girl. Be there, and keep going.

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  21. I try to make one thing clear to my kids. Fear is natural. Everyone, and I do mean everyone, Fears. I tell them to let their fear know that they know it exists. Don’t try to hide from it, that only makes is bolder. Stand up to it and say, Yes I’m afraid. But Im not going to let it cripple me into inaction. I won’t let it keep me from doing something positive. Fear of the unknown is probably worst of all. But that bleeds over into worry…and worry never helps.
    Fight fear with what you know…dont speculate. You’ll never stop being afraid…but you can control it. You can acknowledge that it’s there but don’t let it douse hope.

    Deep breathes. I’m so sorry to hear this, Kindra. All my best wishes and more, My Friend. To you and your lovely girl. ❤

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    1. Eric, your words here mean so much to me– more than any other you’ve ever left in response to my posts. Thank you. Thank you so much. ❤ I wish I could throw my arms around your neck.

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